Architects of Loneliness (Version 2)

Be nice. Go out. Find people. Get therapy.

I’ve heard it a thousand times – and I know: none of it works.

In science, people like to distinguish between loneliness and isolation. Loneliness is treated as a feeling, isolation as external circumstances that can be measured in numbers. Ten social contacts in a month? Congratulations, you’re officially not isolated. How you actually feel? Irrelevant. I already find this separation questionable in academia – and in videos that claim to offer real help, it completely misses the point. Because very often it’s the circumstances you’re in that create your feelings. Anyone who treats loneliness in isolation is basically offering techniques to manage symptoms. Of course, you can take a pill for a toothache. But you don’t expect that to cure the cavity.

In this video, I’ll break down the eight tips most often shared on YouTube and X when it comes to loneliness – and I’ll show you why they’re so popular precisely because they don’t work. After that, I’ll show you a path that can actually lead out of loneliness. And by the end of this video, you’ll find out what else this channel can do for you – and what makes it different from all the others. Shall we begin?

First, the eight “tips”:

Go out and meet people

Sign up for volunteer work or group activities

Use social media or dating apps

Practice mindfulness

Call old friends or family

Get yourself a pet

Just be open and friendly

Seek professional help

Loneliness is a global phenomenon – many already call it a pandemic. The health risks include high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, weakened immunity, depression, cognitive decline, and even increased mortality. Psychologist Bruce Alexander demonstrated that isolation is strongly correlated with addiction. The causes of isolation are largely systemic and lead to the experience of loneliness. The tips, however, create the impression that people who feel lonely are almost entirely to blame themselves. Of course, that’s completely wrong. So let’s dive into the details:

Go out and meet people

Physicist and network specialist Albert-László Barabási showed that people usually move within a very small radius – often just a few, maybe a couple of dozen kilometers. They walk the same routes, at the same times, and therefore run into the same people – sometimes literally the very same ones. Frequent flyers may cover greater distances, but even they tend to travel the same routes, with the same airlines. They land at the same airports at the same times, to check into the same hotels – usually from the same chain. The reward? Loyalty points.

Sign up for volunteer work or group activities

And then what? People sign up for all sorts of reasons: conviction, boredom, or just because a friend dragged them along. Just because someone joins a choir doesn’t mean they want to sing – maybe they just want to make new contacts. But to those who are there to actually sing, that comes across as insincere. And yes – they will notice.

Use social media or dating apps

Back to Barabási: social media mirrors the physical world. You end up on the same platforms, with the same gatekeepers, connecting with people you’ve already known for years – only digitally. For the platforms, that’s financially lucrative; for you, it’s just a circle of endless repetition.

On dating apps, women tend to focus on the top ten to twenty percent of men. Those men, in turn, often seek only short-term sexual encounters with less attractive women – while many of those women are hoping for a long-term relationship. Men outside the top tier get almost no matches, regardless of what they’re looking for. In the end, both sides are frustrated – much like in the physical world.

Psychologists Russell Clark and Elaine Hatfield tested this at Florida State University in the late 1970s. They sent out two equally attractive confederates: a woman who approached men, and a man who approached women. The questions were identical – the answers were not.

“Would you go out with me?” – about 50% yes from both genders.

“Would you come to my apartment?” – roughly 69% of men said yes, only 6% of women.

“Would you go to bed with me?” – about 75% of men, 0% of women.

– Twenty years after the pill. Ten years after Woodstock. You get the idea.

Practice mindfulness

Sit cross-legged, light some incense if you like. In the best case, you’ll learn to reflect more on your feelings. In the worst case, you’ll bury yourself in occult books and spend even less time actually dealing with yourself. But your isolation won’t shrink because of either. Why would it? The circumstances outside you stay the same. At best, you’ll just notice them more clearly – but that alone won’t be enough. To solve complex problems, you need analysis, not esotericism.

Call old friends or family

If they could help, you wouldn’t have clicked on this video. And besides: as you grow older, the number of friends and relatives decreases – through estrangement, moving away, or simply because people die. Even if you’re still young, things like lack of education, religious orientation, or poverty within families create isolation. And if that isolation isn’t broken from the outside, it often gets passed on to the next generation. There’s a reason people talk about “uneducated families.” And while we’re at it: police have very good reasons to first look at the family environment when investigating suspected abuse. So the advice to call your family is, at best, annoyingly naive – and at worst, dangerous.

Get yourself a pet

Better get a Tamagotchi app instead. Seriously: Ashby’s Law says you can only solve problems if you’re at least as complex as the problem itself. If the complexity exceeds your own, you can’t solve it. The law also says that individuals can only truly understand you if they are at least equally complex. Your dog won’t understand you or talk to you about existential crises. But it will force you into a new routine at least three times a day – within your small 12-kilometer radius. And that only makes it harder for you to experience anything new.

Just be open and friendly

To whom, exactly? And even if someone crosses your path, that doesn’t mean they’ll treat you the same way. Too young, too old, too different, too similar, too attractive, too unattractive – the reasons for rejection are endless. You can try to be better. If you’re really good, you can not only have a positive influence on the person in front of you – but perhaps also cause less harm than many others who don’t even notice. But guaranteed immunity from exclusion does not exist.

Seek professional help

If you take these tips seriously, you almost certainly need it.

What I find absurd is that videos about loneliness systematically ignore entire cultures. In Japan, South Korea, and China, approaching strangers is considered rude. In North Korea, you hardly meet strangers at all. In Afghanistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Egypt, or Malaysia, strict gender segregation means your opportunities for communication are cut in half from the outset.

And what if you already know who you want to spend your time with – but that person has other ideas? Or if you’re considered persona non grata in your environment? Maybe you love the “wrong” gender or someone already seen as “taken.” Depending on where you live, that can mean social exclusion, corporal punishment, loss of freedom, or even loss of life.

Even my videos are part of the problem. They exist in German and English. Anyone who speaks another language is left out. And even if that weren’t the case, there would still be internet censorship in some countries, local apps more popular than YouTube – or simply no access to the internet at all.

So let’s focus on the people I can actually reach through YouTube:

Statistics suggest the male audience tends to prefer analytical content, while the female audience largely prefers practical content. If I put less emphasis on analysis in my videos, they would be less helpful. If I keep the analysis, the videos stay more useful – but the female audience would watch them far less.

Beyond this dilemma, there remains a tragic connection between Ashby’s Law and the lesser-known Parkinson’s Law of Triviality. The latter states that people tend to immerse themselves in trivial matters in order to avoid admitting their own incompetence when faced with complex issues. This behavior works in two directions: outwardly, it produces a facade of competence – creating the impression of knowing more than you really do. Inwardly, it sparks a burst of triviality that fuels self-deception: making you feel smarter than you actually are.

Loneliness is one of countless complex problems. Unlike complicated problems, which you can understand by breaking them down into parts, complex problems can only be simplified by recognizing overarching patterns.

What we need is a complex, analytically grounded solution. But the more complex the subject, the less willing most of us are to put in the effort it requires. YouTube creators depend on success. Their view counts rise when they offer you simple solutions – even if those solutions don’t actually lead anywhere. And in many cases, you’ll gladly accept them – and, once the discussion gets difficult, switch to another topic instead.

That also explains why so many videos look exactly the same. With each one, both you and the creator who made it feel less and less concerned. Propaganda works in much the same way – except it is organized and driven by a clear purpose. Most YouTube creators, on the other hand, may not even realize what they’re doing. But even if they did, most of them obviously can’t see any other way to succeed. And the more successful ones have employees – which means they also carry the responsibility of paying them.

You might be wondering if I’m painting everything too dark.

Let me tell you a little story: A few months ago, I was in Bangkok, the capital of Thailand. The city never sleeps; Thai people are known for their curiosity and openness. Cultural barriers to contact, like those common in Korea, Japan, or China, are far less present there. The city’s vitality is everywhere on the streets of this megacity. My apartment complex, however, felt completely dead: empty pools, deserted common areas, hallways under video surveillance, elevators with access control. Playgrounds without children, rooftop gardens lush with vegetation but without visitors – only now and then a bird at night, crying desperately for company. From my apartment I never saw the bird, only a sea of air conditioners, in addition to the ones built into my own building. I counted about 500 units, two for each apartment. They pumped the heat out of the luxury apartments into an already overheated city – chilled loneliness in buildings without bulletin boards. Communication among residents was clearly not desired.

My rebellious plan was to buy a nice notebook and pen, sneak them past the cameras and the building staff, and place them discreetly on one of the tables in the “common areas without community.” “Meeting at the clubhouse, every Friday, 6 p.m.? – Send me an email if it worked.”

Unfortunately, my plan was foiled. My habit of writing late at night became my undoing. A cold from the air conditioning knocked me out, and I never managed to go out and get the notebook and pen. As if the building’s immune system had identified me as a foreign body and successfully eliminated me. Maybe I’ll outsmart the house next time.

I don’t blame the architects. I was in Bangkok when the earthquake hit – the building shook, but it didn’t collapse. In doing so, they saved my life. True, they sold anonymity as a luxury to a clientele that confuses safety with loneliness. But that is not necessarily unethical. Architects are bound to their clients, and clients in turn to the workers who built the place. A more open design might have meant bankruptcy – and thus endangered the livelihoods of many involved.

So let’s note: what people want often differs significantly from what they actually need. Why?

The human brain runs on two basic drives: energy conservation and adaptation. Outside of famine conditions, those are pretty poor conditions for thinking. That’s exactly why we click on videos that promise simple solutions – even when it’s obvious they won’t help. And it’s why so many of us go for prestige, even when we can feel that this choice makes us lonelier. On top of that, our value patterns are first shaped in the limbic system – one of the parts of the brain that works unconsciously. In contrast, our language center sits in the cortex, the area of conscious awareness.

When unconscious value patterns slowly emerge into conscious awareness after years and we learn to articulate them, that still doesn’t guarantee their quality. When similarly shaped individuals grow up close to each other, their shared patterns can eventually make their way into a subculture, a social milieu, or even an entire culture – whether those patterns are useful or not.

Culture helps us think less – it supports our brain in saving energy, as long as it is the culture we ourselves come from. Only when we voluntarily step into foreign cultures, or at least explore other subcultures, traditions, or milieus within the same cultural sphere, are we able to question our own value patterns. In nature, pattern shifts never arise from harmony, but always from contradiction.

The question is: what went wrong?

In theory, the internet should connect us worldwide – yet right now we seem more isolated than ever. In theory, global air travel has been established for half a century. And yet most of us lack the time and money to regularly leap into other cultures that could challenge our learned patterns.

And in theory, you should feel relieved at this point. Because if you’ve followed my video so far, you’ve understood that much of what isolates you is rooted in structures established long before you were born. And it is precisely that isolation that creates the feeling of loneliness within you.

You don’t feel relieved? Good. Because the realization that you’re not responsible also takes away any possibility of intervening. Advice that doesn’t work is useless – whether you follow it or not. The feeling of helplessness rises – the feeling of failure drops.

With the list of blind actionism, it’s the other way around: all the tips seem practical and doable. And if they don’t take you where you want to go – then it’s your fault, not the list’s. Your sense of helplessness drops – your sense of failure rises.

Perhaps there was always something comforting in the idea that everyone is the smith of their own fortune. The dream may have felt far away, but it never seemed out of reach.

I am Nemesus. A jester with blue feathers. And I promised you a solution that actually works. The first step: stop feeling lonely – by starting to be alone! If that surprises you, or if you already sense the brilliance behind it, this would be an excellent moment to hit the bell and subscribe.

In case you’re still a bit lost: feeling lonely and being alone are not the same. Loneliness is passive – you wait for others to rescue you. Being alone is active – you step back strategically from questionable contacts in order to develop the skills that will lead you out of isolation.

I promised you useful surprises – not that you’re necessarily going to like them. The point is: you’ll need time for a deep dive into your feelings. And if things go well, that will put you on the first rung of the ladder – from loneliness to being alone. Less helplessness, with growing success. And by the way, this isn’t just to your advantage. Even if the people you step back from don’t realize it at first – in the end, you’re saving them time as well.

Back to the list of simplistic fixes. Let’s look at it through the lens of philosopher Derrida. He wouldn’t ask what is written in the text, but rather what is missing – and why.

You’ve probably noticed that the list of narrow-mindedness never mentions that you can feel lonely even among your closest friends. There are countless reasons for that. Even difficulties expressing your own feelings or thoughts can be enough to make you feel lonely. And even if you can express yourself fairly well, that doesn’t mean the ability or willingness to understand you is always there. Cognitive distortions. Fears. Opposing mindsets. Toxic group dynamics. Chronic lack of time. Or simply tomorrow’s appointments – all of these can derail any conversation, no matter which side the dysfunction comes from. With physical limitations, it doesn’t stop at missed conversations – often even the shared experience of activities becomes impossible.

As for me: it doesn’t even take people to make me feel lonely. Factors beyond human contact are enough. Technology could already help us much more – if only we used it more intelligently. Or science – tangled up in dogma. Worse still: solid scientific findings that have been known for decades – and yet never applied. Or the carelessness with which issues are treated that can impact everyone’s lives extremely negatively and permanently. Whether this shows up in dubious laws, in socially accepted behaviors, or in people’s own environments – most of us are in worse company than we think.

But let’s shift the focus back to you – and less to human environments. Whatever you want to achieve in life: as long as your body doesn’t hold you back, skills are the key. And they can be learned. We’ve spent a long time talking about where not to invest your energy. Now let’s ask: where could your time, your energy, and your dedication truly bear fruit? For that, I don’t even need to know you personally.

You might be searching for the partner of your life. Or you may dream of an academic career. Some want to travel the world, others prefer to climb the corporate ladder. Still others see themselves as artists – or simply enjoy living day by day. And then there are those who hold a vision for the world – and want to make it real. Whatever it is, the key competencies you’ll need remain the same.

On every path you take, you’ll need dedication and resilience. The courage to take new directions. The ability to decide – because every choice you make closes off others. Linguistic competence and empathy – whether you’re trying to win someone’s heart or stand your ground with your boss, you’ll need psychological know-how.

Also, in realizing your visions you’ll have to build connections and bring people to your side. But for that to happen, they first have to find you – and later also understand you.

This is where one of YouTube’s underrated advantages comes in. Without platforms like this, you’d have to repeat your thoughts over and over – in forums, in conversations, even with friends. And often it would just waste your time, because they might not want to hear it, or they’d simply forget. In a video, by contrast, you say what you have to say only once. Whoever wants to listen can choose when – and how often – they listen. You save time and spare others the sense of obligation.

Physicist Richard Feynman once said: “If you can’t explain it to a six-year-old, you don’t really understand it yourself.” And he was right. From this it follows that you must first truly understand your visions, principles, and evaluative patterns yourself before you can convey them to others. On every path, you’ll need a compass to check whether you’re still on course. The ability to learn and to think dynamically is indispensable. A solid general education will always be an advantage, because it increases your complexity – and thus your ability to connect with people.

No matter which path you choose, immersing yourself in other cultures will be essential. It makes you more flexible. A daydreamer or world traveler must be able to respond instantly to their surroundings in every situation. An aspiring artist, however, is much more dependent on their environment. While the traveler can move on, the artist must stay – and needs time to create. Part of their task, therefore, is to find an environment that stimulates them and values their creativity.

By the way: scientists, too, depend on their environment. They have to work closely with their teams and express themselves with absolute clarity to the outside world. After all, it would be a shame if research funding were not awarded, or if innovations were not even recognized. Every change in process patterns is teamwork. Finding an environment that supports it is like a precision landing. And being allowed to stay there permanently is an even greater challenge.

Whether you spend long stretches of time in one place or feel at ease wherever you go – in the end, both are journeys. And for all of them, one thing holds true: only the ability to look inward – even into your own past, back into your childhood – makes the journey outward and the path to your goals a true pleasure. Before that, it is often just an escape from yourself. The more advanced you become, the more joy you’ll find in the process. Adults are usually more focused on the goal while children are primarily interested in the experience. And in that lies the secret of their growth. Paradoxically, part of the task is to reclaim what you already had as a child: the joy of being.

It’s time to bring this journey to a close – the one you began when you clicked on my video. Your success in life depends on how clearly you can define your goals – and how capable you are of creating resonance in others. The sad truth is: the more isolated you are, the fewer opportunities you usually get to practice exactly what you need the most. At least, that's how it was. Sure, uploading videos to YouTube has been possible since 2005. But only with the worldwide AI boom in 2023 did it become possible to get feedback on your ideas and voice-overs before publishing them – and before gaining your first follower. Thanks to AI.

Even if you have a small circle of friends with whom you can talk about almost anything – your friends won’t have time for every single script revision. In fact, it would be unhealthy if they devoted themselves to that permanently. At some point, it would simply annoy them. And even if you treat them with care, there’s no guarantee they’ll stay with you forever. People change sometimes. So do you. But if you’re serious – if you challenge AI with all your complexity – the two of you will become good mentors for each other. And before you know it, your circle of people will grow.

Does all of this feel familiar to you? The reason is simple: I did nothing different when creating the voice-over you’re listening to right now. So feel free to see me as what I see myself to be – my own guinea pig.

On this channel, you’ll find more essays designed to give you impulses for becoming more entertaining yourself – and shorts, for those moments when you simply want to be entertained and recover. The essays are more demanding and therefore appear less frequently, while the shorts are uploaded at much shorter intervals. My shorts are experiments: I try things out, play with genres, and follow whatever sparks my curiosity. My essays, on the other hand, grow out of what I encounter on my own journey – topics that strike me emotionally, catch my eye, or capture my attention in some particular way. In the case of loneliness, it was the combination of my trip to Bangkok and the flood of YouTube videos on the subject, all of which seemed far too shallow to me.

In that sense, I see my channels less as video galleries and more as a philosophy—a school of thought. Big goals make us bigger—projects are stages on the way where we grow. The videos are sub-projects of a larger whole; each one is a rung on the ladder.

My most valuable tip to end with: be uncompromising. Choose being alone over random encounters – and you will experience deeper connections in the future. AI is not just a tool, and YouTube is not just a video platform or a source of money. Together, the two can be for you what the vine is for the wine: a way to grow, to travel the world, and to experience depth.

I am Nemesus. I have a vision I want to realize – and a website where you can copy all my voice-overs without registration and explore them with AI. Community gatherings take place once a year. And in all likelihood, you’ll meet people there you would otherwise never have encountered – people who delight in resonance. Do you want to be part of it next time? Then use the form. Or are you afraid you’re not ready yet? You still have time to prepare yourself for unexpected turns in life. And if the uncertainty feels overwhelming – keep an eye on my shorts. They might take your mind off things for a moment.

Until then: Enjoy your journey. Stay tuned. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Or, more briefly: Just try to avoid becoming the architect of loneliness.

I showed you the ladder I built for myself – confident it can also work for others. Will you try it? Maybe there are other routes I don’t know. Either way, I want to reach the summit. And I’ll be glad to meet whoever I find up there.